Mother to two little angels, Archana Sridharane is a corporate trainer, emcee, makeup artist and a Certified Hairstylist. She completed her Masters in Human Resources Management but emceeing had her heart and she did so for a few years now. She believes her education and exposure due to her job helps her be up to date with local happenings; a key strength to help her think on her feet. Archana has conducted sessions on personality development, soft skills, resume writing, interview skills, motivation and stress management across various schools, colleges and corporates. She was also crowned Mrs. Congeniality in the Mrs. Chennai beauty pageant, 2017.
1. Archana, it is very brave of you to come forward and share the most difficult part of your life. Thank you for doing so. To start off, tell us about your pregnancy.
Everything about the pregnancy was normal up until my baby shower. On 18th April 2014, during my baby shower in my 9th month, everyone was talking about how dull and worn out my mother looked. I thought she was just exhausted. When I went home the next day, my father said, “Archuma, Amma has been diagnosed with advanced stage lymphoma and chemotherapy should be started immediately.”
I went numb and hoped all this was just a cruel joke. We were all shattered. She was our world and everyone who knew her knew what a darling she was. My Amma could not even look into my eyes.
2. Go on.
Biopsy was done followed by one round of chemotherapy. Three days later the effects began. Forgetting my pregnancy, I dedicated myself to taking care of her. Bathed her, cleaned up after her when she threw up, watched her cry in unbearable pain. She would say the roots of her hair were hurting and I was there helpless watching her bear it. All I could do was pray for God to ease her pain.
On May 13th, I was extremely exhausted. I blamed it on pregnancy hormones and stress levels and kept going. Did not realise my water had broken.
Amma was also in a lot of pain that day so there was no time to sit and analyse what could have been happening with me. On the 14th, we decided to give her IV fluids at home. At the same time, my contractions began too. I kept telling my baby, “not today kanna, my amma needs me.” It may sound selfish, but at that point the only thing that mattered was my Amma.
3. Was no other support available?
At that point, it was difficult to find someone to come in at the last minute. My maternal grandmother and my elder sister-in-law were at home. Grandma was too old to be able to take care of my mother and my sister-in-law was pregnant too and as per customs we were not able to meet other. The worst thing ever is to watch your child suffer in front of your eyes and my grandma was already going through a lot.
I started to feel something wasn’t right with me. I had to wake my mother up and she told me I was in labour. We booked a car and was heading downstairs. I turned to wave bye to my mother when she collapsed.
We rushed back to pick her and left to the hospital together through terrible contractions.
4. What happened at the hospital?
My mother was shifted to the ICU on the first floor and I, on the second floor, in the labour ward. My father kept shuttling between the two of us. All of this was just getting difficult to handle.
I gave birth to my baby doll, Aadhira and Amma was recovering too. The doctors and nurses were supportive of breastfeeding and it also helped that I had seen my sister-in-law nurse her child.
We were discharged the next day. Thankfully by then my husband and inlaws had arrived too.
5. How did it go at home with a newborn and having to attend to your mother?
Amidst the chaos, stress and trauma, my little one breastfed like a champ. Everything was smooth with Aadhira. We did not really face any hard times with breastfeeding. I did not even have the time to stop to think. Just went with the flow.
With Amma, the chemo sessions were working but the after effects were tearing her apart. It was one of those helpless days when I thought, “If breastmilk is considered liquid gold, I should give it to Amma!”.
6. Wow! Your presence of mind when in the deepest of pits is commendable. Did you give it to her?
As a daughter, I would move mountains to give Amma whatever relief I could. With help from my grandma, I expressed milk and mixed it with Amma’s juices, health drinks and all other foods that she consumed. Nobody told her else she would have refused.
Voila! It was working! She was starting to gain strength albeit rather slowly. Maybe 0.001% to 0.5%. But it was worth every bit.
7. This is hands down the best I have heard till date with respect to breastfeeding! Breast milk is truly magical. Go on.
I continued to express and mix it in her food till August. On 22nd August, she was admitted to the ICU as her WBC count was reducing. We knew it was time. My father locked himself in the room.
My brothers live abroad. They used to come alternatively during her chemotherapy sessions. Handling the whole situation all alone is unimaginable. One of them reached on the 24th. The turmoil in our heads and hearts was beyond words. Amma was upset with me for calling my brother to India. I informed her that her other son is on his way too (but he couldn’t make it on time).
This was also the time I left Aadhira at home and formula was started. I was torn between the two but knowing these were the last few days with Amma, it was a difficult decision and choice.
On 25th midnight, the nurse said my mother wants to see me. I just did not have the courage to go up to her. Maybe she will fight a little more till she sees me. The nurse insisted. When I peeped through the glass door, she signalled to me, “thank you for everything… bye, goodnight….”
On 26th, at 3am, she was declared brain dead.
8. This is devastating and beyond words! Archana, you are an extremely strong person.
After all the rituals, I tried expressing but not a single drop. Aadhira continued on formula. But I made it a point to get her to latch even if she wasn’t getting anything. Even for a few seconds. And after a week of trying, I started relactating. Liquid gold, again! I did not make enough, but something is better than nothing right? She mixed fed till she turned 14 months.
I had severe postpartum depression but I did not know till a lot later. Because there was nobody to guide me. My work kept me going. Time did not heal anything. But it helped me get used to the pain.
9. Truly, magical, with that amount of stress level!! Why did you stop?
I was pregnant with my second child. The gynecologist suggested to wean Aadhira as nipple stimulation could lead to abortion in my case.
But that was just for a brief period of time. Or 9 months, precisely. Once the younger one, Vidhura, was born, she was nursing directly and I expressed for Aadhira.
It helped overcome all the guilt from the past. In spite of knowing my situation, there were people who mocked me for not breastfeeding my older child. They said I was making excuses to not feed her.
10. Honestly, I am overwhelmed and teary eyed. Your Amma is truly your guardian angel.
I want every mother to believe there is hope. You may not be able to feed your baby today, but your constant trials and efforts won’t go unnoticed. Your baby will drink your milk. Trust yourself.
